Rant: This Is Why There’s A Mute Button
ZOMG, girls? ... RUN!!
Recently, NPR aired a story on All Things Considered about girl gamers titled Why Do Girl Gamers Get So Little Respect? It is told by a teenage girl, Jessica Cernadas, who plays many online games and feels generally frustrated by both the negative encounters she has online and the rather sexist portrayal of female video game characters. Let’s face it – women of all ages have dealt with this in one form or another for many, many decades and it isn’t going to just go away if we ask really nicely.
First of all, there are a ton of girls out there who understand that the online world of gaming isn’t about immediate respect. If you’re skilled, you will gain respect amongst those who actually matter. Getting called fat, ugly or slutty sucks, but it’s really the least of your concerns in the grander scheme. Besides, when a guy says “You’re a girl? I’m going to kick your ass!” what they are really saying is, “You’re a girl? My manhood is in question if you even do remotely well in this game.” More after the jump.
At first I felt dispassionate towards Cernadas’ story, which is easy after years of weathering many an armpit of the Internet as you tend to develop armor against it. For many of us who have played games for so long, we learned to live with it and therefore are able to prevent it from ruining our good times. But more and more, as girls gain interest in hardcore gaming, they are learning about the harsh world of competition and just how much some people are obsessed with it.
Now, whether or not my colleagues here agree with the following, I don’t know, so I will claim this as my sole opinion alone – the more we distinguish ourselves, complain, and draw attention to the matter, the more we separate ourselves as a different subset of gamers altogether, and that is more detrimental to equality than the original issue.
I once had a friend ask me if she felt women should be added to the U.S. military draft. My response was that no one should. Not women, not men – because it is simply unfair in general. I feel the same about most issues that get colored by gender or race. If it is mean, harmful, or just plain inhumane, then it isn’t good for anyone across the board. The same goes for shit like an all-female MLG league, which is seriously being considered by the way. It hurts the cause by purposefully segregating yourself when you really just want to be equal.
On the matter of harassment, I am thankfully blessed to have enough friends online to avoid most public lobbies. And guess what, they respect me. When it comes to public games, however, it is no-holds-fucking-barred. Why would you expect a perfect stranger to just give you something that most people have to earn anyways? Every man, woman, and child gets shit-talked, laughed at, and ridiculed for no goddamn reason. It’s just how things are there. Let us not forget the ye olde Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory.
I once had a non-gender specific gamertag with a unicorn pic, and all I got were messages about how I’m a gay something-or-other. Once, in a Halo lobby, I was called out for my adorable Unicorn to which I quickly described how the Unicorn’s horn was going to aid in my retribution. All they did was laugh because it was only when I spoke that they realized I was actually a girl. No apologies, no respect – just laughter.
Where am I going with this? Just stay with me, dear friend. Remember the Simpson’s episode Boy Scoutz ‘N the Hood where Bart winds up with the Junior Camper’s uniform after a massive sugar bender? No? Well, there is a scene where the bullies Jimbo, Kerney, and Dolph play keep away with Bart’s camp uniform. The defining moment is when Bart doesn’t get upset, and just walks away. The bullies whine and beg for him to feel subjugated.
I think the word “subjugated” is a great way to describe this issue of being bullied anywhere (not just for girls or the Internet, mind you). We are often told to ignore bullies, to not give them the satisfaction they get by making you feel like shit. It’s all about reactions and who is in control, so the simple answer is to not give them either one.
Instead of cowering, apply plasma grenades directly to their face.
Which is why I am mainly concerned by others frustrations with being harassed online. My advice — from years of IRC channels, PC and Xbox lobbies, and even as an ex-receptionist (harassed on the daily) — is to not play the submissive, frail little princess they are expecting you to become the moment they assert their testosterone wand. Take away their power by muting their ass, because then their voice is lost on you. If they send you messages, report them! Give them bad ratings! That’s why these systems are in place.
Otherwise, if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
I’m out.
And nothing distracts your potential target like bedroom voiced dirty talk when he’s just about to dodge the incoming headshot.
Hell, it works when I do it so it probably causes apoplexy when an actual uterus is involved.
Oh and, how badly does Red Warrior need food?
Cause I’m willing to work something out. ;P
This post made me unbelievably sad. What a bunch of bullshit. “Don’t expect the culture to change! Just get a thicker skin.” Thank god there are activists in all walks of life who believe that insults based on gender, race, religion, sexuality, etc. aren’t okay and are worth standing up against. You don’t have to speak up if you don’t want to. You can hit the mute button. That is absolutely your choice. But ignoring bullies does NOT always make them go away. That is a dangerous myth. The hundreds of stories of women who ignored bullies in various aspects of their lives who ended up harassed or worse is proof of this.
Do you have to earn respect in life? Yup. Does that mean you should expect insults like slut, cunt, and whore before that? God, I hope not.
I’m sorry it made you sad, Beth. I was raised from day one to stand up for what I believe in. That’s all I’m trying to doing here.
I think only drawing attention to the fact that someone feels like a victim only draws more of that negative attention to them and their cause (whereas discussing it in private helps us in a different way). To me, true change is actually changing the behavior, not simply creating awareness.
Human behavior is strange, and yes not all methods work across the board, but we cannot expect to just yell about something and think that is all it takes to be heard.
Finally, there will always be some one who doesn’t like or agree with you. Always. So it helps to know how to handle that rather than let it harm us.
Thank you, Beth, for your comment.
You guys do know a large majority of people who act out against female gamers are largely doing it because its over the internet and its relatively safe for them to act like jerks.
That’s never going to change, no matter how hard you fight. They don’t do it because they are sexists, they do it for attention and they do it for what they think is “fun”.
They are in fact trolling you. When you troll people, you have to target something specific about a person to attack. Identifying someone’s gender is the easy during online games. Usually because the person’s gamer tag or voice.
People need to just ignore people. This isn’t ever going to change.
“To me, true change is actually changing the behavior, not simply creating awareness.”
They go hand in hand. You must raise awareness to change behavior. I don’t think we’re on opposite sides of this issue. And you have more experience in the world of online gaming than I do. Again, you have decided to hit the mute button and that works for you. But the if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen mentality is the same kind that guys who throw around words like slut and faggot without caring use. Because, hey? It’s all in the name of competition, right? And women and gay dudes and gay women and everyone who thinks that kind of shit isn’t okay should just be tougher. As Andrew sad, nothing ever changes in the world. Ever. People should degrade each other based on gender and race and sexuality and we should just take it. Because saying something makes us whiny victims.
I apologize if this is coming off snarky or rude. I get where you’re coming from, I really do. But women have been told to shut up and deal with sexism for hundreds of years(just as men and women of color have been told to just “deal” with racism”.) Toughen up! Don’t let them get you down! But this shit is systemic. And it sucks.
As the other Andrew pointed out, this is indeed a problem that takes creative thought, because a lot of the culprits here aren’t thinking of themselves as sexist. It’s a tough line to walk, between raising awareness and making people stop focusing on what makes them different. I’ve been in that same head-space before, thinking the best goal is for everyone to think of each other as all being exactly the same.
The issue is, what will it take to make people realize they’re being sexist? I didn’t realize I was mildly racist until I moved away from the midwest, and I didn’t realize the potential damage rape jokes can do until reading some responses to the whole Penny Arcade deal. If you think “everyone is exactly the same”, you run the danger of REALLY thinking “every is exactly the same (as me)”. Then you lose the many different flavors that make things awesome.
Damn if I know the solution, and I won’t even pretend to know. Any lady with experience playing an online game with me would have found the opposite behavior as I was overly nice to try to impress her. Equally troglodytic in its way, sure, but at least the adjectives are nicer, right?
And @Beth, don’t apologize for speaking your piece, however it sounds. Conversation like this is exactly why I started this site. In an editorial a while back, I stated that this site is firmly in the pro-women camp, and it thrills me that we’ve made a place where people can feel okay giving their opinions on this stuff.
Things will never change because there isn’t really a way to punish someone for such behaviors.
When people make fun of you for your gender or your skin color, and you get riled up, they are winning. It’s called “griefing” in video game terms. In MMORPGs, you and your gang attack new players, in other online games, you make fun of their gender. I do this myself in other PC games, and I’ll tell you, the best way to deal with it is to trash talk back, or ignore it.
Yes, sexism sucks and isn’t fair. No woman should receive it, but you shouldn’t let sexism in video games trouble you. In fact, you should just laugh at how pathetic gamers are when they act out like that.
Thank you, Andrew. It’s wonderful that I can disagree with the post and still feel like this is a safe space.
Great article Jes-Ka. Also, great response Beth. I think it’s hard for people to realize they are being bigoted or sexist in their comments. For example: my girlfriend has corrected me when I said something was “gay”. I personally don’t have anything against gay people, but I grew up where that was the response given to anything we didn’t like, or wanted to make fun of. Unfortunately, it’s a form of bigotry that I don’t want to be associated with. It’s also very insensitive to gay people. And so I needed the correction – and I welcomed it – but because it is something I learned a long time ago, it’s hard to keep in check. The good thing is, I’ve got someone who will correct me – face-to-face. Which is the problem with online gaming. While I agree with Beth and Jes-Ka in that we shouldn’t tolerate sexism or any kind of bigotry – it’s very hard to enforce online. But Jes-Ka did mention the “report” function on most gaming sites. If someone is being mean or abusive – report them. I got that loud and clear from Jes-ka’s post. But if someone is just ignorant, or falling back on bad habits – perhaps, if you game with them often, some correction may lead them to change their habits. I found it hard to overcome my learned bad behavior – but if someone hadn’t corrected me, then I would be oblivious to the effect on others. But, if I’m gaming online, and someone I don’t know uses a derogatory term, I find they don’t really care to be corrected. And so I ignore them. Only once have I asked that someone not use a term that they escalated the dialogue to an even worse level that I had to report them – which I warned them that I would do. I doubt it had any lasting effect, as ignorance of that magnitude seems to be pervasive. Anyway – correction should be employed when it can – but it’s hard to do online – when everyone is anonymous.
Spot on. Convincing someone they’re the problem is tough. Recently, Gabe from Penny Arcade said he’d take down the Dickwolves t-shirt so that people wouldn’t be uncomfortable at PAX. Somebody then asked him on Twitter if they’d stop people from wearing the ones they’ve already bought, and his response was “I’ll be wearing mine”. Makes the whole gesture hollow, and shows that he doesn’t get why it’s an issue.
Oftentimes, the time it would take to explain why it’s a problem is longer than the round of the game you’re playing, or it’s longer than the attention span of whomever you’re talking to. And when these guys have “role models” that don’t even get it, what chance do they have to ever understand?
(Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, though…)
The thing that nobody seems to take into account is, this sort of behavior online isn’t unique to girls. I can go on Xbox live as a complete non minority white male. I will get harassed, called all sorts of names, message spammed, insulted in every single possible way.
People act like it’s this big respectful community of dudes giving each other high fives and chest bumps, and then a girl comes in and they rip into her. Absolutely not. It’s a godawful community of dickheads who are harassing anyone and everyone for whatever reason they please, because they can.
People online are assholes. Women do not get special treatment one way or the other. But if a guy writes an article about “Why is everyone on XBL so mean to me?” nobody will pay attention. The assholes aren’t going to stop being assholes just because a girl came in. Get a thick skin, mute them, or find a group and only play with them. It’s the same thing the guys have to do.
@Jason: that’s all too true, as well. for guys, “fag” seems to be shorthand for:
“You’re better than me”
“I’m better than you”
“I have an internet connection and a microphone”
The list goes on….
I found it incredibly interesting that while playing FFXI with a group of males (all friends or acquaintances) that the one male player that chose to play a female character got more flak than I did as an actual female playing a female character. It was bizarre to me, since I hadn’t encountered any sort of sexism myself, even when I joined in parties that were ostensibly all male, by all outward appearances, and not filled with my boys. Not that I had any particular skill other than sticking sharp things into soft things that scream and bleed, mind you. I don’t think that the players in FFXI are any different than any other MMORPG, but I find it interesting that I wasn’t a “target” for this sort of thing, where he was pretty regularly. Maybe I have better taste in parties? What are the odds?
I know that he had quite a few run-ins with douchebag of the day, whereas I don’t recall a single person, male or female, being a dick to me. I just found it really interesting, since he is far nicer (in general) than I ever could be. He also played more often than I did, so it could be just a matter of exposure.
I have to agree with Jason Harris to an extent – people on the internet can and will participate in asshaberdashery regardless of gender, age or anything else. But I do think tolerating it is a choice – as is playing in the first place. I wouldn’t tolerate people heckling my male-that-plays-a-female pal, just as I would hope that the folks around me wouldn’t tolerate me getting heckled in turn.
The anonymity of the internet gives the dickweeds of the internet more courage to actually *be* complete assholes, but it also gives people that have an ounce of poise the opportunity to defend themselves with a fierceness that they may not have in person.